So you are interested in swinging … 

If you decided that you would like to explore the world of swinging--often called the lifestyle--are some practices that will be helpful in making your journey as smooth as possible. Swinging is an exciting opportunity to explore sexually and to deepen your connection with your partner. That said, the initial transition into this world can be turbulent for many. 

Before you move forward, you must first establish that now is a good time. Opening yourselves to non-monogamy requires in-depth communication and the processing of many emotions. Because of this, I recommend that you undertake this at a time in your life when you can give the appropriate commitment to this adventure. If you are at a particularly stressful time in your job or your family, it may be best to wait until things are quieter so that you can devote your energy to the excitement and challenges of this new experience. Additionally, if your relationship with your partner is going poorly in any way, opening up is not likely to be helpful. Sometimes, in the aftermath of an affair or the stress of some other relationship turbulence, opening can seem like a liferaft for an otherwise sinking relationship. In the experience of those of us in the lifestyle, this is almost never true. While opening your relationship is exciting and sexually energizing, it is also stressful. A relationship that is already undergoing significant stress is unlikely to withstand the intensity of this transition. 

Assuming you and your relationship are in the right place, then you can take the first step. This step involves the taking some time to visualize that you will have both immensely exciting and terribly negative emotions as you start this journey. While exploring the lifestyle is exhilarating and brings a level of fun you may not have experienced in years, the journey often maneuvers closely by many issues that may be triggers for very strong negative emotions. Being prepared for those is very helpful. Here are some common triggers of negative emotion when people first start out:

1. when your partner des something with someone else that they’ve never done with you.

2. When your partner appears to enjoy something with someone else that they don’t often or ever enjoy with you.

3. When your partner is sexually into someone that is very different from you.

4. When your partner would like to play in the lifestyle more often than you want to

5. When you want to play more often than your partner wants to

6. When partner needs significant reassurance

7. When your partner has more options for play than you do

8. When you are unable to perform sexually and have to leave an event

This list only scratches the surface of some situations that may give rise to negative emotions.Being ready for these as an individual is crucial before you take the plunge into the world of playand before you and your partner begin to move forward as a couple. 

Next you need to take some time alone to genuinely figure out what it is that you want and don’t want in swinging scenarios. While it will be crucial for you to talk to your partner and come to agreements about your overlapping areas of interest, it is first essential that you understand what you want and what excites you personally. You need a strong sense of self and a strong sense of your own interests before you talk with your partner. This will prevent you from codependent agreeing to things that your partner wants or pretending not to want things that you actually dowant.  

Once you have a good understanding of what you want, a series of long conversations and fantasy sessions with your partner is important. You should spend long periods of time talking about what your ideal situation would be. You should spend some of that time talking about things you don’t like honestly as well. Some of these fantasies may remain just that, fantasies. There will likely be some scenarios that one partner is into and the other is not. That is OK. What is important is that you do not force your partner into a scenario that they are not enthusiastically consenting to. Once you find the areas of overlap that excite both of you, you know where you can begin to explore. 

It is important that these initial conversations not be thought of as promises. Once you start exploring, you may find that you like many things you didn’t originally think you would like. You may develop interest that you don’t initially have. This can be intimidating to a partner as they see you evolve and change through a variety of experiences. It’s important that you each maintain your freedom to discuss how your interest grow and evolve overtime. 

After you’ve taken time to consider your own needs and had conversations with your partner about where your fantasies and desires overlap, you also need to have some very clear discussions of things you don’t want to happen. At this time, a clear discussion about what each of you expect about sexual safety and safer sex practices is essential. It is important that going into any swinging event, you are clear on what you and your partner does not want to happen. Unspoken expectations are a set up for disappointment. 

Finally, you need to take the plunge: moving from talking to doing. This step may be posting pictures and having discussions with people online. It may be attending a lifestyle event only as a voyeur. It may be going to an event and playing only with your partner while others are able to watch you. 

During this first time playing, it is especially important that you only do what is planned. One partner may become interested in doing something additional to what is planned, but in my experience, it is a bad idea to move past your initial expectation on a first event. Later, as you begin to understand your partner’s desires and triggers, you might be able to develop more flexibility in the moment. The first time is not a good time for flexibility! It’s good for everybody to know what’s expected. Better to leave with a list of things you want to do next time than to leave angry and upset because things happen that you did not expect or want. 

After this first experience, you and your partner should take much time to discuss what you liked and didn’t like. You should plan your next trip. Don’t rush this phase. Some partners may need some downtime to think alone and reflect before planning a second outing. There may be both positive and negative emotions to process. So be patient as you work thought whatever has arisen. One negative emotion does not mean that you need to call the whole thing off, but it does suggest that you need to process more to understand what you want and don’t want out of these experiences. It may simply just mean that your partner needs additional reassurance. It may mean that you need to change course. 

Assuming you have taken all of the steps above, you should be ready to take on a second experience. Over time, you and your partners will develop a clearer understanding of what each of you likes and don’t like. You will begin to be able to maneuver new situations more skillfully after having processed old ones well. Before you know it, you will be hosting lifestyle events and handing out advice to the newbies!