Open Hearts, Open Relationships: A Look at Non-Monogamy

A Variety of Relationship Styles 

It is a myth that human beings have always been monogamous by nature. In fact, throughout human history, humans have enjoyed a variety of relationship styles. They have structured romantic and sexual relationships according to historical, social, and cultural contexts. Looking back just 100 years, the expectations of male-female monogamous partnerships in the Western World have changed dramatically. For instance, it is a relatively new idea that one’s monogamous sexual partner should also be their best friend, their co-partner, and their equal. Like many others, this shift reflects evolving societal values about emotional intimacy and companionship.

    Additionally, various forms of non-monogamy have been tolerated and celebrated in cultures, including Europe. For instance, non-official extramarital relationships have long been common, expected, and sometimes celebrated, even in Christian Europe. So, even though discussing non-monogamy might seem like a modern trend, non-monogamous sexual and romantic relationships seem to have always been an aspect of human cultural diversity. 

While all of the above is true, we must admit that we are clearly at a new crossroads today in the West. More than ever, we see people willing to embrace their own individual desires and needs. They no longer see societal expectations as an obligatory framework for structuring romantic and sexual relationships. The government, the church, and the family hierarchies no longer dictate how people will behave. This shift allows for more fluid and more personalized approaches to relationships. With this new freedom, people are asking themselves what they want out of a relationship, not what society wants for them.

While embracing our unique desires for expression and connection is important, it’s also useful to have shared labels for the various types of relationships that people may choose. It is impossible to come up with singular definitions for each possible relationship style. Nonetheless, I will explain broadly what people mean when they use particular words in the English-speaking, non-monogamous world. I aim to clarify common terminology while acknowledging the complexity of relationship dynamics. 

As I consider some relationship styles that are common today, I will explore what many people find to be the benefits and drawbacks of each. Of course, every person’s experience will depend on their own desires and needs. What one person sees as a drawback, another may find as a benefit. Because each person is unique, providing clear-cut, one-size-fits-all solutions to relationship struggles is impossible. Nonetheless, I will try to summarize the joys and sorrows we have observed across the non-monogamous and monogamous communities in which we have participated.

Monogamy 

We will first begin with what is usually seen as the norm in our society: monogamy. Monogamy comes with a great deal of benefits. Firstly, it is celebrated in society. Most Western societies are built on the assumption that the couple is the basic unit of the family. Laws are designed to protect the couple. Religious institutions bless couples. Family, friends, and acquaintances alike celebrate the success of couples over many years. This celebration reinforces the idea that monogamy is the "right" way to form relationships. Whose heart is not warmed to hear that a couple is celebrating their 70th anniversary? Milestones like these are often seen as a testament to the stability and success of monogamous relationships. The society’s acceptance of couples makes it easier to navigate the world. Getting a home, raising children, and writing a will are easy in a monogamous context because society is set up with that expectation.

Monogamy also has many other advantages. In many ways, it is simpler than non-monogamy. In a monogamous context, you have only one person to discuss where you will live, how many children you will have, when you will have sex, and where you will go out to dinner tonight. This simplicity can be useful, especially when complex decisions need to be made. Monogamy can also provide a deep sense of closeness. If you have one person with whom you share all your life, you can develop an understanding of intimacy that is difficult to achieve with more than one person. This one-on-one intimacy is an emotional and physical closeness that may develop over many years of shared experiences. Finally, in a monogamous context, the risk of sexually transmitted infections is greatly reduced. Thus, monogamy can promote safety and security in many ways. 

That said, monogamy is not all rainbows and butterflies. Lifelong monogamy is, by and large, an ideal not achieved in the West. Much more commonly in the West, we have something called serial monogamy. Serial monogamy refers to the pattern of forming monogamous relationships one after another rather than maintaining one long-term partnership. In this arrangement, people move from monogamous relationships to monogamous relationships, sometimes with a bit of overlapping infidelity and sometimes without. This may also include emotional infidelity, where individuals form deep emotional bonds outside their committed relationship. So, a lifelong relationship with one person is not the norm but rather the exception. This observation challenges the societal assumption that everyone should find success in lifelong monogamy.

It is difficult to consider monogamy a resounding success, especially when we look at the rates of happiness in long-term relationships. Many people stay in these relationships simply because they have no alternative. Fear of loneliness or financial instability drives people to remain in unhappy marriages. Some believe they must stay because of societal expectations and economic, legal, and parental constraints. People stifle all sorts of legitimate sexual, social, and emotional desires to conform to this standard of compulsory monogamy.  When we consider the high numbers of relationships that end and those that stay unhappily, it’s difficult to see how the monogamous norm is a success. Despite the societal pressure to maintain monogamy, the reality often reveals a complex web of dissatisfaction and unmet needs.

Perhaps sexual frustration is one of the greatest problems in monogamous relationships. One partner has a sex drive that is higher than the other, and some compromise is proposed to make both happy. But going without sex that you want does not make you happy, and having sex that you don’t wish to is abusive at worst and heartbreaking at best. Even partners with well-matched libidos may have vastly different sexual interests. Forcing someone to go without the type of sexual stimulation that they desire simply to maintain a societal expectation is particularly cruel. 

Emotional frustrations are also common in long-term relationships. With the monogamous expectation that your partner be ‘everything’ for you, some individuals find it frustrating when their partner cannot fulfill all their needs. They can remain unfulfilled in various ways: emotional, intellectual, social, and even recreational. While 100 or 200 years ago, many of these needs were met by close friends and family members, the new expectation of an independent nuclear family with a couple at its head—sharing all responsibilities, goals, and desires—creates an impossible expectation of complete mutual compatibility. The burden of having one person try to meet such a vast array of demands often leads to dissatisfaction and resentment.

Moreover, because of this expectation that your partner must be your 'everything,' codependent relationships form in which partners are afraid to admit their actual desires. Codependency can emerge from the pressure to maintain a harmonious relationship despite unexpressed feelings. One partner is afraid to say that they would really like to have sex twice a day because they know that their other partner would find it oppressive. The other partner is afraid to say that they really don’t want to have sex with their long-term partner at all because it would be to a partner who they do love. Over time, partners may find it difficult even to identify what they want in their own lives and relationships because they cannot separate their desire from to keep their partner from being hurt. Codependence robs us of our individuality. We think first of what our partner wants to hear, rather than what we really think. This leads to a situation where both partners are living in a false version of their own desires.

Codependency can be a problem in any relationship structure, monogamous or not. But it can be particularly imprisoning in a loving, monogamous relationship. People may behave in ways that trap them in monogamy, regardless of whether they truly want it. Because of this codependency, breaking free from monogamous constraints can be difficult, even when the relationship is no longer operating as the couple would like. 

Ethical Non-monogamy- an Umbrella Term 

Perhaps the broadest term used to discuss the various alternatives to monogamy is Ethical non-monogamy. Sometimes the term “Open relationship” is also used. The term Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is preferred as it puts the word “ethical” right in the description. Any dishonest, coercive, or manipulative behavior is excluded from this umbrella. Within this broad range of possibilities, we find relationship styles that include some elements of non-exclusivity. All those involved in such arrangements agree upon and freely accept this element. Any behavior that deceives, coerces, or takes advantage of others is, by definition, excluded from the ENM umbrella. 

Swinging 

Ethical non-monogamy that focuses on sexual rather than romantic relationship-building is called swinging. Swinging describes sexual relationships between people who do not engage in any romantic or committed relationships otherwise. Often referred to simply as the lifestyle, swinging exists in many forms.

While single people can be involved in the swinging world, the fundamental unit of the swinging community is generally the couple. Couples who engage in swinging typically conceptualize the activity as something they do together. While couples may play separately with other couples or singles, the activity is still viewed as something done together. Often, even when couples play separately, the intent of the play is, at least in part, to enrich the sexual life of the couple. When couples talk about swinging, it is usually something they say “we” do, rather than “I.”

There are many possible ways to swing. Full-swap couples meet with others and engage in full sexual interaction, usually with one member of a couple playing with a member of the other couple and vice versa. Soft-swap couples have certain boundaries that stop short of vaginal intercourse. They may enjoy kissing, fondling, or having sex with their own partner while the other couple watches. Hotwifing involves a woman playing with other men while her male partner enjoys the sexual activity voyeuristically. These are just a few of the many possibilities in the swinging lifestyle. 

As each member of the couple will have their own sexuality, the possibilities expand to included various types of inter-couple interaction. In fact, a major reason that some are drawn to the lifestyle is the desire to explore sexuality with a person of a gender different from that of their partner. Those in heterosexual couples, for instance, may want to explore homosexual or bisexual desires. The lifestyle offers an almost unending possibility of sexual combinations to explore.

The advantages of this lifestyle include the sense of closeness it can bring to couples who engage in it. The introduction of new sexual experiences often supercharges the sexual desire within the couple itself. The experience of sexual novelty can fulfill fantasies that are impossible with only one partner. Additionally, the swinging world offers the opportunity to develop friendships that enrich the lives of couples outside the bedroom. The swinging world offers clubs, parties, and vacations where its members come together for various shared experiences. 

Swinging also presents some drawbacks. Insecurity and jealousy often go hand-in-hand with the sexual excitement swinging can offer. Long-term play partners may develop feelings that transgress the agreed-upon boundaries of a couple's relationship. Developing such feelings can complicate the couple's relationship and require careful navigation and renegotiation of boundaries. Finally, as swinging is fundamentally a couple's activity, it can be difficult to find equally interesting and exciting scenarios for both members of the couple. One member of the couple may feel less desirable or may resent having to “take one for the team” when sexually interacting with someone who they do not find ideal. 

BDSM/Kink

A particular subset of the swinging community is the non-monogamous BDSM community. In these relationships, non-monogamy is part of a kink or BDSM dynamic. A variety of kinks involve a partner sleeping with others. This could be part of a consensual power exchange in which a dominant partner commands a subordinate to sleep with others, or with the dominant partner engaging with others to degrade or humiliate the subordinate—again, with consent. In some cases, no power exchange is involved, but a couple may find consensual “cheating” or humiliation to be an arousing kink. While these types of relationships share much in common with swinging, they involve unique dynamics that require careful navigation.

Polyamory

Polyamory refers to non-monogamous relationships that include both romantic and sexual elements. While swinging is generally thought of as a couple's activity, polyamory is something that an individual typically explores as they seek their connections. While it is true that a couple may find a connection with another person and form a throuple, such dynamics are rare and often come with complications. Polyamory, however, allows individuals to engage in multiple relationships. 

Polyamory exists in both hierarchical and non-hierarchical forms. In hierarchical polyamory, one or more partners are considered more important than others. These prioritized partners—referred to as primary partners—enjoy certain privileges and rights that are not available to other partners. These may include legal marriage, raising children, sharing money, and having sex without a condom. Meanwhile, secondary partners have fewer rights and responsibilities than primary partners. In non-hierarchical polyamory, each person determines the boundaries, rights, and responsibilities of each relationship. No person automatically enjoys privilege based on the duration of the relationship or legal status. Instead, each relationship is crafted based on what the partners agree upon. This does not necessarily mean that all relationships in non-hierarchical polyamory receive the same attention or time. Still, partners have the freedom to design and redesign their relationships as they see fit.

The advantages of hierarchical relationships include the ability to maintain a traditional couple dynamic while also enjoying sexual and romantic relationships with others. If one partnership is seen as primary, decisions about holidays, shared finances, and child-rearing are clearer. However, maintaining hierarchy can be difficult ethically. Relationships naturally change and grow, and what initially seems like a clear primary relationship may become more complicated as new relationships develop. When partners in a hierarchical relationship wish to change the boundaries, it can destabilize the entire relationship. Additionally, secondary partners may experience feelings of resentment and insecurity, as the involvement of a primary partner may limit their relationship. For this reason, when a previously monogamous couple decides to “add a third” to their relationship, ethical issues of consent and respect become incredibly difficult to navigate. 

Non-hierarchical polyamory has its own set of advantages and disadvantages. In non-hierarchical relationships, people can develop any type of relationship they wish. This means each relationship must explore what is possible and desirable. With no prescribed roles, it is difficult to predict the outcome of a relationship. Will you move in together? Will you share money? Will you have children? The lack of prescribed roles can destabilize people as they discover what they want from each relationship. Moreover, because you have intimate relationships with others who have intimate relationships, your partners’ partners may have an outsized effect on your life as instability can ripple across relationships. 

In all forms of polyamory, commitment to multiple people is time-consuming. This close, shared commitment requires a great deal of communication and respect. Moreover, polyamorous individuals must navigate emotions like insecurity, jealousy, and fear of the unknown as they deal with falling in love and breaking up with others. These emotional challenges require careful management to maintain healthy and fulfilling relationships.

What do you want out of life?

Whether choosing monogamy, swinging, polyamory, or kink-based non-monogamy, you have the freedom to explore relationships that align with your unique needs and desires. While each relationship style offers its own set of benefits and challenges, the key to successful and fulfilling connections lies in open communication, mutual respect, and an unwavering commitment to honesty and consent. You cannot be held back by a codependent desire to maintain the status quo for others. As society continues to embrace greater diversity in how people love and connect, it is important to recognize that the most vital aspect of any relationship, regardless of its structure, is the authenticity of self and the care shared with those you love.