What Type of Relationship is Right for You?

Given that you’re on this page, you are likely considering non-monogamy. You may be here out of curiosity. Maybe someone in your life has recently come out to you as non-monogamous. Perhaps you’ve always been interested in some type of romantic or sexual exploration. Maybe your partner has expressed their interest in this, and you are now at a crossroads, unsure what to do. I hope you will take a few minutes to consider the types of relationships available and the pros and cons of each.

Monogamy

First of all, we should take a moment to recognize the strengths of monogamy. Monogamy has an elegant simplicity. You have one romantic and sexual partner who receives all of your romantic and sexual attention. In our busy and stressful world, having just one person to think about, prioritize, and depend on can create a life that fits well within our mostly monogamous culture. When you receive an invite to a party, it’s typically a plus-one. When you fill out your life insurance paperwork, you are encouraged to have one beneficiary. The entirety of our world is designed for couples, so monogamy fits well within that framework.

Moreover, you were most likely raised in a monogamous environment. Because of that upbringing, your brain is programmed by your environment to expect a monogamous life. Other romantic partners are seen as competition, and jealousy is often viewed as a somewhat healthy emotion that protects your relationship. It’s likely that your childhood hopes and dreams revolved around finding one person with whom to share your life. If you step outside of monogamy, you’re going to be fighting an uphill battle against the culture you live in, as well as many of the ideals you developed growing up.

That said, monogamy is obviously not utopian. A look at statistics reveals that lifelong monogamy is the exception rather than the rule. Many people become bored and resentful in monogamous relationships. Even with partners who are doing their best to be loving and sexually adventurous, some people experience a startling sense of ennui when they spend too long in a monogamous relationship. These individuals might continue to love their partner but secretly desire new romantic and sexual exploration.

In fact, most of the literature on cheating suggests that those who cheat are often very much committed (at least theoretically) to their partner. Many people who cheat want to stay with their partner because they love them and don’t want to hurt them. They don’t want to lose their partner but simply choose an unethical way of trying to get something else in addition.

Swinging

If you find yourself primarily looking for additional novel sexual stimulation, then the swinger lifestyle may be for you. At its heart, swinging is about the couple. While the couple may sometimes play separately, even when they are apart, they are seeking an experience that they will share together. There’s a wide range of options available.

Perhaps you are a man who wishes to see his female partner with another man—you may be seeking a hot-wife relationship. Perhaps you are part of a couple that would both like to experience a bisexual encounter with another man—you may be seeking a "dragon." Perhaps you enjoy the thrill of not knowing exactly what your partner is doing while you are also exploring with a new play partner, but then you wish to come back, talk about it with your partner, and enjoy the thrill of reconnection—you may be seeking a full swap.

If you wish to maintain the privacy and centrality of your one romantic relationship while also exploring new sexual connections (and perhaps making some new friends as well), then swinging is an area you may want to explore.

Swinging and BDSM Options

It is worth noting an area adjacent to swinging that may or may not involve other partners—BDSM. BDSM relationships involve a type of power exchange, where one partner consensually submits to the dominance of another (with or without the use of pain as part of the interaction). While BDSM communities are often separate from the swinging community, there is much overlap between the two. The dominant partner may enjoy sharing their submissive or having their partner watch them engage in sexual activities with others. The submissive partner may enjoy aspects of degradation and submission that involve the participation of other sexual partners. The relationship between a dominant and a submissive is often an intensely connected, intimate relationship. So if you are interested in exploring something unique outside of typical monogamy, BDSM may be an area for your exploration.

Polyamory

On the other hand, you may crave a sense of independence and new romantic connections that go beyond just sexual encounters. If this is the case, polyamory may be for you. In polyamorous relationships, individuals have multiple unique, independent connections with others. This is not primarily about a couple “adding” to their own relationship—it is about individual members of various couples seeking whatever it is they wish to find for themselves. While connections that involve multiple partners together, such as triads, are possible, they are rare. If this type of individual autonomy and self-exploration excites you, then polyamory is a good possibility.

That said, polyamory is a lot of work. As you develop real romantic relationships with others, you will likely need to come out about the fact that you have multiple relationships, as most partners don’t like to remain secrets. Navigating the reality of polyamory in a monogamous world can be challenging for you, your partners, and any children involved.

Also, because you have grown up in a monogamous world, you have probably internalized many monogamous ideals that are not compatible with successful polyamory. Concepts such as owning your partner, protecting your partner’s feelings at all costs, and expecting radical sacrifices from a partner—while often unhealthy even in monogamous relationships—are outright impossible in polyamorous relationships. You will have to learn to look at relationships in ways that do not foster jealousy, insecurity, and control.

Next steps

Whether you decide to be monogamous, a sexually open swinger, or a fully independent polyamorous individual, you will encounter both pain and joy in your relationships. Finding out which type of relationship is best for you requires, first of all, a reflection on your own dreams and desires. Perhaps some open conversations with trusted friends and a therapist are good steps in your self-discovery. Only once you know what you want, can you begin to discuss with established partners what it is that you want out of life.